Some Clarification

When I say I feel “Blue, red, grey” etc. I might clarify what that means in my posts, or I might forget. But this is what each colour means to me:

A COLLECTION OF SENSATIONS I CALL BEING “RED”

-Restlessness, experiencing an insatiable need to MOVE or do something, nothing seems to satisfy the need to release energy
-Intense need to DO something, not just sit in isolation, a desperate need to talk to people while simultaneously loathing most people
-Sudden desire to exercise
-Unshakable irritation, temptation to pick fights with people
-Thoughts coming as fast as they do during anxiety, difficult to follow my trains of thought trying to record things on paper or speak to someone
-Self-loathing, angry with myself for being angry, for ever feeling depressed, angry with my anxiety for existing
-Unable to focus or concentrate on reading and school, difficult to sit still and listen
-Wanting to jump out of my skin out of frustration for being unable to feel happy or concentrate or release this anger and energy and sometimes it feels intolerable to “be”

A COLLECTION OF SENSATIONS I CALL BEING “BLUE”

-suddenly crying, crying more than usual, little things upset me, might cry for an hour without stopping
-nothing is fun, don’t want to do anything that would usually make me happy, I try and I only feel sad
-can’t focus or concentrate
-feel guilty for feeling this way
-feel like I am worthless and can’t do anything and I am just a nuisance to everybody
-exhausted and might nap during the day
-food doesn’t taste as good
-everything seems to take hours to do include making coffee and getting the energy to shower and get dressed

A COLLECTION OF SENSATIONS I CALL BEING “GREY”

-I don’t feel real, nothing feels real
-I feel empty and lifeless
-I don’t want to be conscious
-I feel like my brain might be catatonic I can’t think straight, I don’t have the energy to do anything
-I don’t have much energy to talk
-I don’t have energy to interact with others
-disconnected from everything
-nothing is fun or worth anything
-feel stuck in limbo screaming inside my head but dead outside or feeling nothing dead all over

A COLLECTION OF SENSATIONS I CALL WHITE (Basically when I’m feeling socially anxious)

-feel hot and cold
-cold but sweaty
-face burning
-thoughts racing around in my mind and I can’t keep up with them and my thoughts won’t always make it all the way to paper if I try to write them down my voice and hand can’t keep up with them
-can’t think straight sometimes feels like my thoughts are swarming and there are too many and sometimes I feel like my mind goes blank because I can’t reach any of my thoughts
-my throat closes up, unable to speak or speak a lot
-feel hot and itchy
-feel incapable of using my voice
-feel like I’ve “shut down”
-dizzy, head hurts, vision sometimes blurry
-unable to focus on anything but negative thoughts or fact that I can’t reach my thoughts
-panicked, increasing panic
-feeling like I am trapped and unable to move

A COLLECTION OF SENSATIONS I CALL “PINK”

-Happy to be alive, intense happiness
-motivated, making plans for the future
-inspired and just so so happy
-crave social interaction
-life is amazing
-I just want to LIVE and DO
-not that I can’t think straight well maybe I can’t but more like all my thoughts are breaking off not connecting well cause there are too many of them I have so many
-just happy
-I love life and everyone!
-I can do anything!
-Everything will be amazing!
-“Wired” “Hyper” “Not Tired” “Happily Energetic”
-Dream big

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