Frenemies

Have you ever had a frenemy? The definition on Dictionary.com is “a person or group that is friendly toward another because the relationship brings benefits, but harbours feelings of resentment or rivalry.” Using this definition, I have had lots.

My frenemies change because my feelings towards other people change so dramatically and quickly. One day I might idolize someone and think that they are the epitome of goodness, and the next I might internally be raging and believe that they are one hundred percent not a good person. It all depends.

Right now I have lots of frenemies. Generally when I have lots of frenemies, I know that I am in a bad headspace, because I see only the worst in other people. Right now I detest most people I know, basically for one simple reason: rejection. I feel like I was rejected. And so now I am angry with most of my friends for rejecting me.

I call them frenemies because I am still somewhat friendly with these people, and these people do not realize that I essentially think of them with contempt. I know contempt is a strong word, but this is a strong feeling. And why do I not just tell them how I feel? Several reasons. One, it is protection from being rejected further. Two, I hate confrontation. Three, I know deep down that this contempt might not last. And, fourth, because I am a bit of a coward (although I guess that falls under hating confrontation).

This happens. I know it happens. And yet it still happens. I know that I switch from thinking someone is “all good” or “all bad” based on my most recent encounter with or memory of them, but telling yourself you shouldn’t feel something doesn’t stop you from feeling that way. So, I hate almost everyone I know, and yet I am lonely. The irony.

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4 thoughts on “Frenemies

    • blue747 says:

      Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it it sounds trivial, but at the time it felt like a really big deal. I was feeling really down, and I sent a mass Facebook message to all of my friends. I saw that everyone read the message, but no one responded. It was also the second time this has happened. I was scared to confront them about it, and angry that every single person who had enough time to read my message didn’t have a second to respond with “I’m busy.” Since that message was sent when I saw my friends they seemed distant and whenever I asked them in person to hang out they said they were busy or tired. A part of me, ever since getting the BPD diagnosis wonders if everything I feel is out of proportion to the situation, but it still hurts, especially when you’re down, to feel like no one wants to spend time with you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ryan Macayden says:

        How you feel should never be considered trivial so I can understand the hurt you felt when no one responded, especially if it was for a second time. I’m sure BPD intensifies what you’re feeling, which can either be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the situation. I’m sorry that’s happened but I hope they come around. Friendships ebb and flow, unfortunately.

        Like

      • blue747 says:

        Thank you Ryan. It’s nice to be told that how I feel “should never be considered trivial.” I am not told that very often, but I try to believe it. However, I am aware that some people might consider the situations that set me off as trivial. Generally I just try to ride out the feelings and then reconsider the situation that set me off once I’m more calm. Talking through it to someone usually helps me. Thank you again for your comment. I really appreciate it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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