Have you ever had a frenemy? The definition on Dictionary.com is “a person or group that is friendly toward another because the relationship brings benefits, but harbours feelings of resentment or rivalry.” Using this definition, I have had lots.
My frenemies change because my feelings towards other people change so dramatically and quickly. One day I might idolize someone and think that they are the epitome of goodness, and the next I might internally be raging and believe that they are one hundred percent not a good person. It all depends.
Right now I have lots of frenemies. Generally when I have lots of frenemies, I know that I am in a bad headspace, because I see only the worst in other people. Right now I detest most people I know, basically for one simple reason: rejection. I feel like I was rejected. And so now I am angry with most of my friends for rejecting me.
I call them frenemies because I am still somewhat friendly with these people, and these people do not realize that I essentially think of them with contempt. I know contempt is a strong word, but this is a strong feeling. And why do I not just tell them how I feel? Several reasons. One, it is protection from being rejected further. Two, I hate confrontation. Three, I know deep down that this contempt might not last. And, fourth, because I am a bit of a coward (although I guess that falls under hating confrontation).
This happens. I know it happens. And yet it still happens. I know that I switch from thinking someone is “all good” or “all bad” based on my most recent encounter with or memory of them, but telling yourself you shouldn’t feel something doesn’t stop you from feeling that way. So, I hate almost everyone I know, and yet I am lonely. The irony.