Something I Could Keep

Sometimes, late at night, (or I guess really early in the morning), on nights like these my thoughts will drift to people in my past. By nights like these I mean nights that I am wide awake and feel like something’s not quite right, like some piece of the happiness puzzle is missing. I’m not upset, but it’s like I can’t quite be happy.

The people in my past I see are friends I’ve lost, family that’s passed away. Somehow memories seem more melancholy at night and in the dark hours of the morning. The world’s just too quiet, there’s no distractions to take some of your attention away. Anyways.

Right now it’s like I’m reliving moments that happened years ago. Old pain feels fresh again. I mourn the people I’ve lost, dead and alive.

But since dwelling on death is too much for night thinking, my thoughts drift towards friends I’ve lost, and before I can convince myself that is a bad idea too, I’m flooded with snapshots of happiness, once upon a time. I’m reminded of the good times that can never be replaced with better times and bonds that have faded because these people are gone now.

I know that living in the past is unhealthy, but visiting old memories is a habit I haven’t yet learned to break. I miss these people. I don’t want to forget them.

I have a tendency to bond with one or two people at a time, grow really close to them, and then lose them for some reason. The reason’s always different – or is it? My friends have just always been ready to move on, and I wanted to stay in our chapter.

There’s something someone once said to me, that some people are just time-and-a-place friends. Like the friends you meet at camp and then never see again, or your high school friends who continued on to university and have forgotten you. I understand that in life you will lose people, but it sucks to be the one left behind.

Some friends I lost with time. Others purposefully cut me out of their life, and let our relationship fade. Which makes me ask myself, am I that easy to walk away from? Am I that easy to let go? And why do I have such a hard time letting go?

I’ve fallen into my same patterns, where I have picked a couple friends and have grown very close to them. But I’m scared. I’m scared that the same ending will occur, and that these friends will leave my life as soon as I leave university, and I will be left with nothing all over again. Except my boyfriend, of course. I am lucky to have him. I don’t want to keep losing people in my life. For once, I just want something I could keep.

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