Sore Heart

Yesterday at lunch a guy I don’t really know came up to my friends and I in the cafeteria. He knew one or two of my friends and sat down. They began a theological discussion. They were talking about controversial topics. As soon as homosexuality was introduced to the discussion, I quieted down.

The guy was pretty aggressive. He was pushing my friends and I on the topic, trying to get us to agree with his views, that homosexuality was immoral and sinful and just plain wrong. He even challenged my friend and asked in an incredulous tone, “Do you think homosexuality is okay?”

My friends are Christian, and one of them said it wasn’t for her to judge others, but my friend Henry (I wrote about him in my post attachment issues) just sat there, and didn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak. My throat closed up and my skin was growing hotter and hotter.

Finally, after seeing my face, one of my friends said “I’m uncomfortable with this, I’m leaving” and I said “me too” and made my escape with her just before I burst to tears in the hallway.

I was overwhelmed hearing a stranger tell me that my sexual orientation was wrong and immoral, but it was even more overwhelming to see my friends essentially agreeing.

I confided in my friend who left with me, and asked her if I even had a right to be angry, but she told me that my feelings were valid and that it must have been hurtful to have people judging something you couldn’t control, especially something so personal like your sexual orientation. She made me feel better. Loved.

I was embarrassed to go back to my friends after I left crying. I was anxious about seeing them and imagining everything they were thinking about me now – and knowing that they thought my feelings went against God. I especially didn’t want to encounter that guy if he was still there. The friend that left with me offered to get my stuff from the cafeteria. I thanked her and she did.

I’m not usually that sensitive about my sexuality (I’m bisexual). I don’t usually tell people either. But for some reason yesterday it just felt personal. I’m not sure why. Maybe because my friends were debating its morality with so much intensity, like there was so much at stake to prove that it was not okay. I don’t know. I just remember feeling really alone and judged. I remember the guy said that being homosexual itself was debatable but that the act was definitely not okay according to God – that’s about when my friend and I left. Feeling unaccepted and judged by our friends and this guy.

When I calmed down at the end of the day and felt brave enough to talk to my friends, I messaged them and reiterated that I was uncomfortable and upset but feeling better. One of my friends, the friend who said sexuality being immoral was not for her to judge, didn’t answer me right away.

Let’s call this friend Layla. When Layla finally responded, it was not to say she was glad I was okay. Nor was it to acknowledge what had happened. No, instead of wondering if I was okay, Layla blamed me for being hurt and leaving and said that by “behaving that way” and “not communicating to her” I had caused her significant anxiety and ruined her day.

Wow.

Way to make the situation all about her. I was furious. I was hurt and upset because my friends were debating whether a part of me was even acceptable according to God, and because I was upset and needed time to calm down I ruined her day? And my friend who left with me had said she was leaving because she was uncomfortable, and I quickly said “me too” and left, but that’s besides the point.

Layla didn’t even care that my feelings were hurt. Layla didn’t even care that I might not be okay. She only cared about how my reaction might have been bad for her. She only cared if I was angry with her, not if I was upset in general.

So I had a miserable day yesterday. My heart is sore. I’m angry and sad and confused and hurt. I am confused about how I feel about some of my friends now. A part of me hates them but a part of me feels alone and is trying to recreate the good people I saw before. Could be a BPD thing or just a hurt and upset thing, I don’t know. My head is still spinning. But I wrote some poetry (always fun) and learned that I had a true friend in the friend that left with me. So I guess the day wasn’t so bad after all.

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One thought on “Sore Heart

  1. xoxo, c. says:

    I think that you had an absolute right to leave! That was much better than if you’d gotten angry and yelled at him or something. I can imagine how hurtful that would be, and I think your friends should understand and respect how you felt. It was fantastic of your other friend to choose to leave with you, though! ❤ c.

    Liked by 1 person

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