Feeling “Red” and Confused

Feeling irritated to the max. Definitely red right now (if you don’t know what “red” means I have a post called “Some Clarification” that explains it). Had a broken shoelace night, nothing was working out. Every little thing got on my nerves. And this is me home alone, not talking to anyone.

I can feel my heart racing inside my chest and I can see my chest rising and falling in front of me quickly. I can’t think straight. My thoughts are racing around inside of my head. I feel like ripping something apart. My friend messaged me and my temper flared reading sarcasm into her text.

All day I’ve been all over the place. Hyper, upbeat, empty, lifeless, gloomy, crying, frustrated, irritated and angry, etc. Is this my BPD? If it is, WHAT IS TRIGGERING ME? Someone once told me that the difference between Borderline and Bipolar mood swings is that Bipolar mood swings just happen but Borderline mood swings are always caused by external stimuli or internal thoughts. I was empty and then suddenly angry. I wasn’t thinking about anything to make me irritable. So…what is this?

My Psychotherapist first diagnosed me with Bipolar II, then later Borderline Personality Disorder, and then told me he wasn’t sure which I had or if I had both. And my other therapists don’t like labels so they don’t bother trying to figure it out, just deal with the symptoms. Fine, I guess…but I want to know whats going on with me! Part of the frustration is not knowing why I am so LIVID. Or empty. Or crying my eyes out, like I was randomly for about an hour yesterday and the day before. Am I cycling? What is going on?

All I know is I am sick of swinging back and forth between emotions, especially the negative ones. I’m breathing hard right now and my pulse is racing and I just can’t sit still I didn’t even notice I wasn’t sitting still until now and all these thoughts are just rocketing out of me I can barely keep up with them and I feel like if I went somewhere now I would just want to strangle someone so best I stay in.

Or maybe going out would be good? A walk? I don’t know my head is spinning. Spinning so much. Can’t keep up with my thoughts. I’m listening to the same song over and over again because I feel like I need somewhere for this restless energy to go to need stimuli too restless too irritable to just sit here I don’t even know if I’m making any sense right now but this is my head right now.

I keep losing my thoughts. It’s taken me a long time to write this because I keep losing my train of thought. Or trains, plural. And when I write something down I’m not even sure if it’s what I meant to say. I just want to scream. I want to show people how it feels so they understand I’m not making this up. How can I show you, I think to myself when I see my friends and they see me but they don’t see me screaming inside they don’t see the pain the fury they don’t see me lying in bed all alone crying when I go to bed for no reason, they don’t see the frustrating void that sucks all emotions away and leaves you with nothing but emptiness. How can I show you, I think when I see my therapists and they see me happy and well because when I’m in the offices I’m calm and collected and hopeful that each hour will be the answer. They don’t see the in-between. Even writing this post has pissed me off because I’m typing too fast and keep having to go back because I’m missing letters or clicking the wrong buttons.

Just lost my train of thought again. Maybe I should just end this post. But I hate bottling up these feelings inside. I don’t know how to let them out. I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m like this.


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