What I Wish I Could Say

Since I’m angry, might as well write this post. It’s been a year but still whenever I think of my old roommates I get angry all over again as if it only happened yesterday. Guess that’s BPD memory (something I read in a book). I don’t care. Right now I’m just mad. I need to get this out because it’s been a long time and I don’t feel any better.

First year University I met this girl. Let’s call this girl Vivienne. She introduced me to her roommates. We all became friends. Then I met another girl (let’s call her Wendy). Wendy was lonely like I was at the start of the Semester, so I introduced her to Viv and her roommates and encouraged her to hang out with us. Soon, we were all a group of friends.

Viv and her roommates told me they had an open-door policy – “come anytime, even when we’re not home, just chill here.” That’s what they said. One time I dropped by (I dropped by every day, along with the rest of our group) and one of Viv’s friends and Viv’s roommate’s boyfriend were the only ones there. The three of us hung out for a couple hours until Viv and her roommates got home. That’s just the way it was. I was comfortable. I was happy. I thought I had found my home away from home. I felt like I belonged. I was invited to everything our group did. I even had a nickname and was part of a friend group drawing. I was always at their apartment and always welcome.

Until one day.

To this day I’m not sure what changed. I can’t mark the turning point. I don’t know the sequence of events but one of the moments that stick out in my mind and heart is the moment I defended Viv when she wasn’t around.

Wendy wasn’t there that day, and neither was Viv. So, out of nowhere, my other friends and Viv’s roommates took the opportunity to talk about how annoying they found her. I was confused and anxious. I told them straight out that I wasn’t comfortable talking about Viv behind her back.

The room got quiet. It was like a bad scene in a movie. Someone unconvincingly told me that they liked Viv but just found her annoying sometimes. Someone else changed the subject.

Somewhere around January, after the incident, I started asking my friends who was living with who the following year. Some ignored me. Others wouldn’t meet my eye. Some told me they were living with other people.

I felt it in the air. Something had changed. I confronted my friends about it, asking if something was up or if they were mad at me, but they said it was just a busy time of year. Something was off though, and I didn’t believe them.

One night I was feeling lonely so I walked down the hall of my apartment to Viv’s and strangely enough, no one was home. I let myself in and started cooking, waiting for someone to arrive. I had gone back to my apartment to get food and cooking supplies because my own roommates had trashed our kitchen.

A while later, I heard the unmistakable giggles of my friends. They came in – all of them as a group, not just Viv and her roommates – and stopped dead when they saw me. One girl, let’s call her Maddie, seemed almost angry when she saw me. She demanded to know how long I’d been there. I said not long. I asked everyone where they went. They mumbled that they went to one of our friend’s goodbye dinners (she was leaving the university) and made up some lame excuse about forgetting to invite me. Looking back, it was this moment. I was no longer part of the group. That’s why I wasn’t allowed in the apartment alone, either.

The next day and I walked over to talk to Viv, and went for the doorknob. For the first time in the entire school year, their door was locked. Anxiety levels on high and tears running down my face, I walked back to my apartment and cried in my bed.

Sometime around the end of the year only Viv and Wendy would talk to me. They were feeling left out of the friend group too. I felt hope that all hadn’t been lost. We all agreed to live together.

But something happened over the summer. They had been seeing our old friend group without me, and come September they went back to them. They didn’t invite me. I went over with them once, had a panic attack and left. I tried to continue to hang out with them, but Viv and Wendy didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. For the ENTIRE school year, they would make up excuses as to why they couldn’t, like they wanted to be alone, had plans, or were busy with school.

And then I realized something. Viv and Wendy only wanted to be friends because they felt excluded by our old friend group, but as soon as they were back in, they were fine with ignoring me again. This also happened when they were angry with each other. I thought several times we were becoming friends again, but only when Wendy and Viv were mad at each other would they talk to me. I felt used and betrayed and lonely. In second year University I had no friends, Ben (my military boyfriend) was unreachable and in his Basic Training in my worst month, and to top it off I was rapid cycling? Who knows? I was red, blue, grey, everything negative. Everything painful. Just everything bad. If you read my military posts you’ll know that even when Ben’s basic training finished, it wasn’t a great support for me. And I couldn’t support him in my state. I can’t even begin to describe the hell I was in in my moods and everything else going on. We were both unrecognizable to each other and we had to find each other again.

So, here it is. All the things that I wish I could say, but would never say to their faces. Because I’m not over it, but I hate confrontation. I hate being isolated. I will isolate myself, but even if you hate someone, rejection hurts.

“Oh, you’re hanging out with our old friend group? Too bad I’m not a part of that friend group then maybe you would actually hang out with me once in a while”

“Gee, you’re not feeling okay? At least you have friends”

“Oh, lots of drama that I’m not allowed to know about? Wish you’d stop talking about ONLY THAT while I’m around so that I could actually contribute to the conversation”

“You like to keep your friend groups separate? Weird, since I introduced you guys. Or are her and I not friends anymore?”

“You want alone time? Really? That’s why you’re spending time with a friend right now?”

“There’s a problem with gossiping in this house? Really? I wouldn’t know, seeing that nobody tells me anything”

“Not your place telling other people’s secrets? Then stop bringing it up if you don’t want me to know!”

“Oh, you and her are fighting. Right, that’s why you’re talking to me.”

“You care about me? Really? I guess that’s why you ONLY talk to me if you think something’s wrong and then sometimes not even then, you just talk behind my back about it”

“Yeah, you find it weird that I’m awkward when your new friend group is around? Hard not to be when I’m not allowed to really get to know them or associate with them when you want to keep them separate and secret from me like you’re all part of the FBI and at the same time you INSIST on spending all of your time either hanging out with them or talking about them!”

“Don’t give me this BS about how you thought ‘I didn’t want to go’ or ‘I wasn’t comfortable hanging out with so-and-so’ maybe if you ever bothered to just ask me I would go, but no, I have to beg you to go and sometimes I’m ‘not allowed’

“Oh it’s awkward because ‘I don’t know them well’ well of course I don’t know them I’m not allowed to get to know them”

“So you want to spend all of your time with one friend group that I thought I used to be a part of but I guess not, you want to separate my old friends from me, AND you don’t feel comfortable if I hang out with you guys? You feel territorial? Maybe it’s because you’re scared that they’re going to like me and I’m going to exclude you the way you exclude me”
“Yeah, I’m going to spend my night alone in my room watching Netflix. Go out with a friend you say? You know, I tried that, but she’s hanging out with her other friends as usual, and since I am not allowed to know them I guess that means I’m alone tonight again”

“Don’t know how he’s doing. Haven’t talked to him in a while. Or her. Because apparently they are off-limits now.”

“She has trouble merging friend groups? I have trouble being friends with someone who never puts any effort into our relationship”

“No, not IF that happened, it did, and I don’t believe you when you say you’re sorry anymore because you keep doing it.”

“Oh you just forgot to invite me? Again? Well I just forgot we were friends.”

“You’re angry with me for not telling you I was angry with you? Funny, since you never tell me when you’re angry with me, you just talk to someone else about it.”

“Maybe you understand the separate friend group thing because she actually hangs out with you”

“I have anxiety and hate confrontation, so no, I didn’t want to talk about it”

“You just didn’t think to invite me? Wow. Really makes me feel like you care when you never even think of me.”

“So I was more honest. So I actually have a problem with being treated like ****. And I’ve talked to you guys before respectfully and nothing’s changed. And you’re going to be pissed because I still have a problem with you continuing to treat me like crap, and I’m not saying anything because I don’t want to isolate myself even further by fighting, because you isolate me enough anyways?”

“I think you just want to paint me as the bad guy so you can feel better about excluding me”

“you know, I didn’t want to tell you, but yeah, I made myself present and came out of my room cause I could overhear you guys going out so that you would give me an invite, because I know I am out of sight, out of mind”

“Tired of the people you see everyday? That’s odd, I see you…never. And when I ask to hang out you don’t want to, so…”

“You know, it really pisses me off that everybody stopped hanging out with me when I tried to stop them from gossiping about YOU and tried to be inclusive and now you guys are excluding me. Thanks”

“I guess you guys forgot what it feels like to actually be alone. Don’t give me that **** that ‘you know’ you really don’t, you have each other.”

“People in relationships ignoring all their friends? Seriously? I’m in a relationship and all I try to do is hang out with you guys – and you ignore me, it seems sometimes, BECAUSE I am in a relationship. You TREAT me like I don’t need anybody else, and you use me hanging out with Ben as an excuse not to invite me anywhere”

“You don’t like it when people don’t understand that you have OTHER friends? REALLY? Other friends implies that you are actually friends with me, and you sure don’t act like it”

“Love how close we were when you were feeling excluded and anxious. Love how you exclude me now in the exact same way”

Well now it seems I’m still angry. But at least I got that off my chest I guess. But to honest I’ll probably still be angry after I publish this post.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “What I Wish I Could Say

  1. Veronica M. says:

    I know you don’t know me personally or anything but I came across your blog by chance and read this…I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for what happened to you at college. That’s really awful that because you decided to stick up for a friend, all those people turned their backs on you, and then eventually even the friend you stuck up for did too. I’ve had some things similar to that happen in friendships to me, so I think I can empathize with you, at least a little bit. Sending hugs your way girl ❤ (Btw I really really hope this isn't invasive of me to comment here I apologize if I am being too invasive 😦 )

    Liked by 1 person

    • blue says:

      Hi Veronica, no it’s not invasive for you to comment. If I didn’t want people to comment on my post, I probably wouldn’t have posted it. 🙂 Thank you for your hugs and kind words. My heart went out to you when you said that you’ve experienced similar things. I hope things are better now for you. I was very angry when I posted this. I like having an outlet where I can anonymously vent, it feels very therapeutic to me, and it helps me release my anger so I’m not festering about things. I am trying to move on and just accept that these events happened without caring anymore. I’ve gotten to that point with other situations before, so I believe that I can do it again. Someday these events probably won’t matter so much to me, but since they were recent, they still hurt now. I just have to remember that they won’t always. Sending hugs back to you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Veronica M. says:

        You’re very welcome ❤ Things are now better for me, which I'm thankful for. And I totally understand. Writing really is a way for me too to just let out my feelings in a creative way, or even just directly, and it has helped me get through a lot. I hope and pray it begins to hurt less soon for you ❤ Thanks so much 🙂

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s