I Fell Apart (A Kind of Rant)

I’m hurting my brain
Trying to endlessly list off the things that I thought you would understand anyways
I’m hurting my mind
Trying to erase the painful memories that just leave me wanting

And I know maybe this makes no sense to you
Maybe nothing I say makes sense to you
Maybe everything I say rings true but you don’t want to believe that

I don’t want to believe a lot of things
But I end up believing them
I feel like these moments are scary because I never know how I’m going to feel
Tomorrow

And isn’t it sad that we can break ties so easily after everything, after all the time spent, but maybe all that time is just meaningless now since you tried so hard to cover it up with false promises and false cheer and the worst of all, false hope

Because you didn’t mean any of that, now did you?

When I’m the only one trying, also the only one in tears, the only one on the floor in a blanket and I can’t get away from that, but you can, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want this, that you wouldn’t want me, but this logic hurts my heart and I can’t change that

You can judge me, I can’t stop you. Even though you haven’t felt this pain, because it’s my pain, not yours, you can command me to stop doing what I’m doing, but I won’t listen. Because you’re not my superior, I thought we could be equals as friends, but I guess that just doesn’t happen when you only see me as something to be fixed, and once I’m fixed you’re gone.

I don’t need another therapist. I need a friend. I fell apart. I was done. And you have shown me that in the midst of the worst you can’t be a friend. You even opted out of the therapist position. You were just done with me. I wish that I could be done with me too. But I can’t.

I’m tired. I’ve spent a week in my own personal internal hell and it’s not gone yet and I’m exhausted.

I’m done being judged by people who think that everything can be fixed with a day and some positivity. I’m done being judged by people who think that I’m in complete control. I’m done being judged by people who think I’m making this up, or people who think that this is all I am and that I’m not a human being, I’m a label you want to stay away from. I am tired. I am exhausted. And so for the next week I am probably going to take a “people break” with the people I would normally see. Because I just don’t want to deal with someone who’s going to treat me like I’m five or someone who doesn’t believe that this is even real.

I’m just done. I’m exhausted. I don’t even know if I’m going to post anymore this week. I think I need a mental and emotional break.

Sorry for the rant but I needed this. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

Blue

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