It’s raining outside right now. I hear thunder every so often and see a bright flash of lightning outside my window. And as I’m sitting here thinking, by myself in the dark, I can feel myself getting nostalgic and sentimental.
I’ve always been a sentimental person. Don’t ask me why a thunderstorm has brought these feelings out of me. I’m not sure it’s the storm. It could just be that the day feels so dark now, like it’s over.
Or maybe it is the storm. I’m remembering when I was little, looking outside my living room window whenever the lightning flashed, and I would just stare outside for an hour, waiting to catch the lightning each time.
But the older I got, the more reflective this act became. I would wistfully stare out the window, like I was just doing right now, caught somewhere between the past and the future. The future, wondering who would still be in my life, wondering who would become a sad story, a distant memory, and who would only be a chapter away. Or the past, remembering every person who ever mattered to me, every memory that made me smile, and some that now make me cry. And sometimes I even wonder who’s slipping away from me right now.
I feel like my mind is always either in the future or the past, while my body remains in the present. I’m always waiting for the next thing or reminiscing about the last thing. It’s hard to get out of this mood once my mind has gone down this road. I feel stuck.
I have had an emotional last two weeks. Everything and every day has been a whirlwind of emotions. I hurt deeply, raged intensely, cried uncontrollably, and felt my heart soar. It’s been overwhelming and disorienting. I have been so exhausted and drained. I can’t express in words how deeply I felt everything. Words just don’t do the feelings justice sometimes.
You know how you’re so happy, and you can’t even remember how it feels to be sad? Or, you’re so, so sad and you just can’t imagine what happiness even feels like? Sometimes when I’m “well” I guess you could say, I wonder if I just imagined everything. And then times like the past two weeks happen, and I remember. This is real. I’m not making it up. I’m not confused. I’m feeling these things, I’m going through some really, hard things, and it’s real, no matter what anyone else thinks.
And it’s awful.
Right now, as I write this, I can feel the void. The emptiness. The grey. It’s here.
But maybe it will leave in an hour.