“And I feel this empty place inside, so afraid that I’ve lost my faith” is a line from the song Show Me the Way by Styx. I love that song, but it always plunges me into a mood very fast, almost as soon as the song comes on. I had my playlist on random. I shouldn’t put it on random, probably, knowing how some songs affect me. Like this.
Then again, maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I was repressing all of this turmoil, all of these waves of emotion, the deep blue, the empty grey. The circling thoughts of past, present and future, and the nostalgia. It’s a bittersweet taste, thinking back to when I was younger and sure of myself, and didn’t yet realize or know that friendships didn’t always last, life didn’t always work in your favour and you wouldn’t always end the day happy.
I know I haven’t written in a very long time. A part of why I haven’t wanted to really sit down and write is because I figured it would unlock some of these feelings if I let myself feel – if I let myself really think about everything, surely something negative would turn up, and I didn’t want to risk that the negativity would follow me into my summer job. I have been avoiding looking at my blog for the most part, as well as anything I knew would set me off. And yet. Here I am.
But now it’s safe. It’s safe to feel what I feel without worrying about how it will affect my job because I am done working for the summer. And I need to let some stuff out and process my feelings or else I will be flooded when I finally have time alone back at university. When I am all alone with my thoughts, that is my most vulnerable time. Although, it can also give me strength and allow me to recharge. Like most other things regarding my health, it really depends.
There’s a lot I could talk about that I don’t think I have the energy to fully describe in depth right now, but I can touch on a few things. I’m kind of letting my brain take me where it wants to go in this post. Like a stream of consciousness.
Henry and I are fine. We parted on good terms for the summer. I will likely be seeing him again in the fall. Something he said to me, as I was describing my other friendships to him, was “I hope I don’t become that to you. Just a sad story.” I hope that too. I hope years from now we will still be friends. But I don’t know. I have doubts. I am trying to escape a toxic friend by drifting from her.
One of the people I spoke of in my post “What I Wish I Could Say” wrote to me this summer out of the blue and apologized for everything, acknowledged that she hurt me and said she wasn’t asking for forgiveness but wanted me to know that I didn’t deserve the treatment I received, and that I was a wonderful and decent person. After receiving that, I felt almost at peace, and the anger I had been holding onto seemed to release and dissipate – and then I realized a part of me just wanted – not even an apology, but for her to acknowledge my hurt, to validate my feelings. Now I feel like the knot that I had been carrying around in my chest every time I saw her name or thought of her, is gone.
In a way, I feel like I’ve woken up from someone who is also me, the part of me that is fun and happy and energetic and has her head in the clouds, and now I have snapped out of that and I am solemn and thoughtful and quiet. Who are you really, the person you are when you are around others or by yourself? Or both? Either way, I’ve woken up something inside of me. I feel like a part of me has returned to the blue that I feel is simply a core part of me now, and has been for a long time.