And I’m happy.
My friend? The toxic one? The one I have been missing and recently reached out to? She responded…after I called her a couple times in a row, admittedly wanting to see if she had blocked me or not. It was something I thought she might do, just to be able to have the last word. Which probably should have been my first hint that reconnecting was not what I needed.
She texted me back, asked if everything was okay, saying she was out on a date with a new boyfriend she’s been with for seven months. Pretty much how long her and I have been apart.
I apologized for interrupting her date, and said I just thought I would call and see if she even got my message – rationalizing in my head that I didn’t want to be waiting around forever for a response to a message she never saw. I told her if she wanted to reconnect, I would be in town this week (it’s my university’s reading week).
She said maybe we could connect sometime, though she had moved out of the city. My heart leapt. I was over the moon the rest of the night.
But the next day, she sent me a long text about why she ended things in the first place. And this is when I got a good dose of reality, and I hope, clarity.
I was remembering an idealized version of her. That’s who I was missing. And she hasn’t been that person in a long time. And that’s what I was forgetting.
Reading her text, I felt all the old feelings of anger beginning to ignite, and I realized I didn’t want her back – not if I had to compromise on my values and apologize for all these things she listed that I should not be apologizing for. She said a lot of things that infuriated me, but I realized that this was what I needed to see.
Instead of starting a fight, I just decided to tell her I was glad she was in a happy place and I gently explained that I didn’t mean to hurt her without getting into our problems. I didn’t rescind my offer to reconnect, but just left it at that. I never heard back from her.
Of course I’ll be sad for a bit. Mourning the people we were and what could have been. But so far, I’m okay. And I think this was the best possible scenario. I got the closure I needed. I now know that I made the effort, I tried to reconnect, and now I am not forever wondering “what could have been.” I know now that she was a time and a place, but those people we were don’t exist anymore. It was good while it was lasted, but it’s gone now. Chapter closed, finally. And now I feel I can move on.