Thunderstorm

It’s raining outside right now. I hear thunder every so often and see a bright flash of lightning outside my window. And as I’m sitting here thinking, by myself in the dark, I can feel myself getting nostalgic and sentimental.

I’ve always been a sentimental person. Don’t ask me why a thunderstorm has brought these feelings out of me. I’m not sure it’s the storm. It could just be that the day feels so dark now, like it’s over.

Or maybe it is the storm. I’m remembering when I was little, looking outside my living room window whenever the lightning flashed, and I would just stare outside for an hour, waiting to catch the lightning each time.

But the older I got, the more reflective this act became. I would wistfully stare out the window, like I was just doing right now, caught somewhere between the past and the future. The future, wondering who would still be in my life, wondering who would become a sad story, a distant memory, and who would only be a chapter away. Or the past, remembering every person who ever mattered to me, every memory that made me smile, and some that now make me cry. And sometimes I even wonder who’s slipping away from me right now.

I feel like my mind is always either in the future or the past, while my body remains in the present. I’m always waiting for the next thing or reminiscing about the last thing. It’s hard to get out of this mood once my mind has gone down this road. I feel stuck.

I have had an emotional last two weeks. Everything and every day has been a whirlwind of emotions. I hurt deeply, raged intensely, cried uncontrollably, and felt my heart soar. It’s been overwhelming and disorienting. I have been so exhausted and drained. I can’t express in words how deeply I felt everything. Words just don’t do the feelings justice sometimes.

You know how you’re so happy, and you can’t even remember how it feels to be sad? Or, you’re so, so sad and you just can’t imagine what happiness even feels like? Sometimes when I’m “well” I guess you could say, I wonder if I just imagined everything. And then times like the past two weeks happen, and I remember. This is real. I’m not making it up. I’m not confused. I’m feeling these things, I’m going through some really, hard things, and it’s real, no matter what anyone else thinks.

And it’s awful.

Right now, as I write this, I can feel the void. The emptiness. The grey. It’s here.

But maybe it will leave in an hour.

The Day You Drove Away

You walked out the door with a frown on your face

I see your tears, and you tell me it’s the rain

But you don’t have to lie, I still respect you the same

And I was screaming your name in my head when you came

 

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t give to keep you home

There’s nothing sadder than a ride in the car all alone

Heading away from what you wanted straight into the unknown

And the windows splashed with rain, swallowing you in your pain

I regret all the words that I did and didn’t say

The day you drove away

 

You left nothing behind, like you weren’t coming back

The first time we fought you said it wouldn’t come to that

And you don’t have to stay gone, I take back what I said

I’m sure that if we tried, we could make it work again

 

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t give to keep you home

There’s nothing sadder than a ride in the car all alone

Heading away from what you wanted straight into the unknown

And the windows splashed with rain, swallowing you in your pain

I regret all the words that I did and didn’t say

The day you drove away

 

I’m wishing you wouldn’t just let me be

In my mind you set me free

I want to go out somewhere with you for awhile

If only to practice my smile

 

Because I lost it

When I lost you

And I stopped leaving the house

When you stopped coming around

And I’m still hurting

And I wonder if you are too

Are you still thinking about me

As much as I think about you

 

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t give to keep you home

There’s nothing sadder than an unused telephone

Waiting for a ring from your call, why can’t I have you at all

And my door is still unlocked, in case you decided to come and knock

Because my days have been so lonely, why couldn’t you have stayed?

The day you drove away

 

All of You

Only time will tell if it will be enough
For me to show you everything that I’m made of
And when the seasons change will you be going with them
Or when the sun returns will I wake up by your side

Only winter nights dark and cold the distance will scare you
Only then will you ever really know
If you can handle all this need and oh I need this
Praying I won’t cave into the dark alone

Only summer days so happy see me smiling
When you’re here with me and missing you is past
It’s a beautiful thing to see you so happy
But I wonder how long it’s gonna last

Only Saturdays aimlessly driving
Laughing so hard we can’t even talk
I love when I make you so happy
So it hurts to know I hurt you when I’m not

I want to believe that you only mean the best
But I’m scared of exactly what that means and for now
I am holding onto the promise you won’t run
No matter what happens when the honeymoon phase is done

I want you to be the one who can take all of me

And in turn I will take all of you

Hurt and Confused

(Sorry in advance for the massively long post).

I made the switch. With Henry.

The black and white thinking. The all or nothing mindset. The loving and the hating.

I am experiencing hate. This is not to say I haven’t made the switch before with Henry, I have, but this time I don’t know that I’ll be switching back.

I think I hurt too much for that.

Last week was a crazy one for me. I had intense mood swings coming out of nowhere (Bipolar?) and emptiness and loneliness to the extreme (Borderline?). To say it was an intense, uncomfortable week is an understatement. I was so happy, and so sad, I had so much energy and I was crying every day too. I would get angry, alone in my house for no reason, everything would just irritate me and I would be cursing out loud. People would message me in this state and I would grow angry with them and everything they said, but instead of taking it out on them I tried to sit with the anger until I wanted to scream and claw at my skin.

I was a mess. There was no way I could concentrate on doing homework like this, crying so hard it hurt, so angry I was shaking, so hyper my mind and body felt sped up. The only things that helped me even a little bit was working through the emotions with Henry and texting my boyfriend, Ben.

Thursday night I wanted to end my life. I didn’t attempt anything because I had people to live for – literally the only thing stopping me due to how much pain and suffering I was in. Friday night I felt terribly, and I thought the cycle would continue on Saturday, but it stopped. Saturday I woke up feeling awful, and the rest of the day I spent sitting alone in emptiness, wanting to disappear. I was only empty the entire day, nothing else. I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to live anymore.

When I couldn’t stand it any longer, when I wasn’t even thinking straight or about anything except how to escape the pain, I left my apartment after messaging Henry asking if he could hang out and walked to the nearest LCBO and bought some alcohol.

When I came back, I drank until Henry responded. He said he couldn’t go out because his roommates were controlling his social time until he got his homework done for the semester.

My initial response was to be angry with his roommates for this controlling behaviour. It is behaviour I would never tolerate in a friend, I don’t appreciate being controlled, and Henry remarked that it was “good of them” which just fuelled my fire. My second thought was that if Henry really wanted to hang out with me, he would. I was hurt that since he had seen me and the broken state I had been in some days of the week (I saw him Thursday and was honest about my thoughts of death) that he would turn me down now, when I felt the worst I had been all week. I started to think about how I was always the one messaging him to hang out, and how he told me he felt obligated to be friends with some people because they needed help. I wondered if he only saw me as an obligation, not a friend. I started to fear that he was distancing himself from me, that he was abandoning me, that I had blown it, and then the hurt turned into rage. The Anger Mask (I wrote a post on it). I raged because I couldn’t control my emotional states and my neediness and I raged because I hated that he could walk away when I just had to live with myself.

In my rage, I sent Henry a sarcastic message, “I get the message. Sorry I asked.” As in I understand that he didn’t want to be friends and that I was sorry I even tried reaching out to him. I felt hurt and rejected and I wanted to reject him before he rejected me. I wanted to leave on my own terms.

Henry didn’t understand my message. He told me to never be sorry I ask, but that he did have to do his homework. Impulsively, still hurt, I told him that I didn’t think I could talk to him because I was upset and drinking.

This is where everything went downhill.

Henry asked me if I was okay, and said to let him know and he would come over. My spirits soared – I felt hope. But the fear was still there – the fear that he didn’t actually want to come, that I was an obligation, and the fear drove the anger, and the anger and guilt drove my words. I told him I didn’t know when I would be okay, so not to bother coming over. I told him that maybe I was being selfish and if he needed to work, work. Guilt over making him come to my aid, and fear and anger drove me to push him away. But all I wanted to do was scream “please come now!”

Unfortunately, Henry wasn’t a mind reader, so while he said that I wasn’t selfish, he retracted his offer to come over and said that he should probably work.

Suddenly it occurred to me that I was losing my opportunity, the only one I thought I had left, to feel better. I thought that I was losing my last trusted friend in University. In that moment I didn’t know what I wanted from him, all I knew was that I didn’t want him to leave me. In a desperation, I told him he could bring his work over and I would just sit with his presence in the room and that that was all I needed. I told him I would pay for food. I told him I would give up my bed. I told him everything I could think of to get him to say yes. I even told him I would pay him to come over, and I was serious. I needed him to say yes.

I was too honest, too vulnerable. I told him I wasn’t okay and that him coming over would make my day. Re-reading these messages, I cringe at how open I was and how much I was willing to tell him, to give him. I’m not sure he deserved my honesty after what he did with it.

His only response to my frantic, BPD brain, my desperation, my emptiness, my insides screaming and tears running down my face and my indefinite suffering was

“let me think”

So I stared at my phone, drank, listened to the same song over and over while I waited.

And then, I got a text from Layla (the girl from the “Sore Heart” post) and she said Henry had texted her and that she was coming over.

I was furious. I was beyond furious, actually. I was in the most vulnerable state I could possibly be in, under the influence of alcohol and caught in the intensity of my emptiness, and I was not comfortable handing over my autonomy to Layla, and like I predicted she tried to take it away. In that mortifying, vulnerable state, I only want to be surrounded by people I trust and am comfortable with. I felt betrayed that Henry sent someone to “deal with me” and hurt that he refused to come himself. I felt completely alone, and worse than before I had contacted Henry.

Layla and her roommate came, they messaged Henry on my phone without my permission and talked down to me the entire time they were there. They left when they were satisfied that I could go to bed safely, and I tried to keep a smile plastered to my face so they would leave, but inside I was livid.

Moments before they arrived, I messaged Henry and accused him of shipping me off to someone else because he couldn’t handle me. Henry reacted defensively and asked if that was a fair thing to say. I didn’t care at that moment. I believed it was the truth, and I was hurt and angry.

I was even angrier after Layla and her roommate left when I read what they sent to Henry: “We’re here and we’ll take care of her/Getting food into her now so don’t worry! We’ll let you know how the night goes!” Like I was a child. Like I was something to be dealt with.

After they left, I called Henry over Facebook and he switched it to a video chat and somewhere I started crying and grew silent because I was so overwhelmed with hurt, anger, sadness, and emptiness and didn’t know what to say. Henry said something about needing to go to bed and hung up on me while I was still crying. I felt like I had no dignity left, and no one who could come and make me feel better. I ordered pizza and then went to sleep.

When I woke up I texted Layla (as she requested) to let her know I was awake. She responded. That was that.

Sunday was painful. Emptiness all day. Worse than Saturday, but there was nothing I could do about it. I refused to message Henry first. I already felt like I was a stalking fan and he was the celebrity. I felt like we weren’t friends at all.

Henry finally messaged me around 6:30p.m. and told me he hoped I was okay and to remember to work on my essay. Still emotional, my temper flared. I was angry that he could act like nothing had happened, and that all of my hurt and anger should be forgotten.

I sent him a long text explaining that I was still upset and why, and he wrote back explaining his perspective, not acknowledging that I felt hurt by him but saying things like he was “pretty clear where I wanted to stay” (which REALLY hurt) “You said you felt bad for asking and got the message” and “told you twice.”

I felt like I hadn’t been heard at all, and that Henry didn’t understand the pain I was in, and I didn’t know how to make him see. I also didn’t know how much of the situation was in my head and how much of what I felt was valid.

I was honest and said that I was hurt and confused and needed space. And then Henry’s final text to me was the last straw before I broke down completely alone in my bed.

“I could use some space too, to be honest.”

I felt that in my chest. He might have said a ton of consoling things that night, and he said that he still wanted to be friends, but all I heard was “I’m tired of you and I don’t want you in my life anymore.”

Even right now as I write this my brain is swirling in confusion. Sometimes I feel like I hate Henry for only wanting to be my friend when it suited him and leaving when it got hard. Sometimes I hate myself for being a burden to him and never that fun friend you actually want around.

To be completely honest, I am still very emotional and caught between missing Henry and wishing he actually liked me as a friend to wanting to cut him out of my life for being unable to handle me, and right now I can’t handle people who can’t handle me. Even writing this post has confused me because at parts of it I felt the anger come back and at other parts I just wanted to cry and ask myself what I have done.

I’m hurt and confused and lost. Yesterday was Monday and I saw Layla but she ignored me so I didn’t go to my usual table with my friends. Henry said he wanted space so I didn’t contact him. I spent most of the day sitting alone trying not to cry until I went home and wept in my bed until my eyes hurt.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I miss Henry.

I feel like I lost another person who mattered to me. And I feel like it was my fault, because I was too needy. I hate myself. I wish I could spend my days in bed just sleeping peacefully. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

Songs for Sorrow

Sometimes you’re not ready to be happy just yet. You can try listening to a happy song or do something fun, but it just doesn’t work because you haven’t let yourself be sad. If you try to push it away sadness might just catch up to you when you don’t want it to. Sometimes the only way to get through it is to ride it out and sit in it for a while, let it run its course, and then feel better. So for the times where you just need to let it out and cry, here is a list of some of the songs I listen to when I’m working through my sadness. It takes time, but usually I feel better once I’ve let everything out.

The Winner Takes It All – ABBA

Stay With Me – OMD

Every Time You Go Away – Paul Young

If You Leave – Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

Missing You – John Waite

Wouldn’t It Be Good – Nik Kershaw

When I Look Into Your Eyes – Firehouse

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road – Elton John

Sailing – Rod Stewart

Losing My Religion – REM

I’ll Stand By You – Pretenders

Hello – Lionel Richie

Alone – Heart

I Want to Know What Love Is – Foreigner

Four Seasons in one Day – Crowded House

Please Let Me Get What I Want – Dream Academy

Streets of Philadelphia – Bruce Springsteen

Yesterday – The Beatles

Heartbreaker – Dionne Warwick

Insensitive – Jann Arden

The Guitar Man – Bread

 

Blue

 

 

 

Songs for Happiness

Here are a list of songs I use to lift my mood, most of them for their sound, some for the lyrics. I really needed these today. I thought I would share them.

Xanadu – Oliva Newton John

If You Can’t Give Me Love – Suzi Quatro

Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra

All Over the World – Electric Light Orchestra

You’re the One That I Want – John Travolta and Olivia Newton John

Cruel to be Kind – Nick Lowe

I Woke Up In Love This Mornin’ – Partridge Family

You Got It – Travelling Wilburys

Honey, Honey – ABBA

Come on Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Oh What A Night – Four Seasons

Crocodile Rock – Elton John

Hands Up Baby Hands Up – Boney M

I Only Wanna Be With You – Bay City Rollers

The River of Dreams – Billy Joel

Hungry Heart – Bruce Springsteen

Pop Goes My Heart – Hugh Grant

I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’ – Scissor Sisters

Paradise By the Dashboard Light – Meat Loaf

Gone, Gone, Gone – Phillip Phillips

I Will Wait – Mumford and Sons

Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men

Home – Phillip Phillips

Son of Man – Phil Collins

Down Under – Men at Work

More Than a Feeling – Boston

Uptown Girl – Billy Joel

Drive it Like You Stole it – (from the movie Sing Street)

Renegades – X Ambassadors

Riptide – Vance Joy

Fire and the Flood – Vance Joy

Boom Clap – Charli XCX

It’s Time – Imagine Dragons

Geronimo – Sheppard

Crash and Burn – Thomas Rhett

Home – Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Bright – Echosmith

Heaven in our Headlights – Hedley

I’m Only Me When I’m With You – Taylor Swift

 

Blue

I Fell Apart (A Kind of Rant)

I’m hurting my brain
Trying to endlessly list off the things that I thought you would understand anyways
I’m hurting my mind
Trying to erase the painful memories that just leave me wanting

And I know maybe this makes no sense to you
Maybe nothing I say makes sense to you
Maybe everything I say rings true but you don’t want to believe that

I don’t want to believe a lot of things
But I end up believing them
I feel like these moments are scary because I never know how I’m going to feel
Tomorrow

And isn’t it sad that we can break ties so easily after everything, after all the time spent, but maybe all that time is just meaningless now since you tried so hard to cover it up with false promises and false cheer and the worst of all, false hope

Because you didn’t mean any of that, now did you?

When I’m the only one trying, also the only one in tears, the only one on the floor in a blanket and I can’t get away from that, but you can, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want this, that you wouldn’t want me, but this logic hurts my heart and I can’t change that

You can judge me, I can’t stop you. Even though you haven’t felt this pain, because it’s my pain, not yours, you can command me to stop doing what I’m doing, but I won’t listen. Because you’re not my superior, I thought we could be equals as friends, but I guess that just doesn’t happen when you only see me as something to be fixed, and once I’m fixed you’re gone.

I don’t need another therapist. I need a friend. I fell apart. I was done. And you have shown me that in the midst of the worst you can’t be a friend. You even opted out of the therapist position. You were just done with me. I wish that I could be done with me too. But I can’t.

I’m tired. I’ve spent a week in my own personal internal hell and it’s not gone yet and I’m exhausted.

I’m done being judged by people who think that everything can be fixed with a day and some positivity. I’m done being judged by people who think that I’m in complete control. I’m done being judged by people who think I’m making this up, or people who think that this is all I am and that I’m not a human being, I’m a label you want to stay away from. I am tired. I am exhausted. And so for the next week I am probably going to take a “people break” with the people I would normally see. Because I just don’t want to deal with someone who’s going to treat me like I’m five or someone who doesn’t believe that this is even real.

I’m just done. I’m exhausted. I don’t even know if I’m going to post anymore this week. I think I need a mental and emotional break.

Sorry for the rant but I needed this. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

Blue