****TRIGGER WARNING….SUICIDAL THOUGHTS******
You get to this place and you can’t even believe you’re there. And sometimes when things are this bad, I feel like I’m always there, and wonder if I always have been there.
Lately my life has been a whirlwind of events and emotions and I really feel like I’m coming close to reaching my breaking point. And I don’t even know what that means. It could mean that I’m going to scream up at the sky, or just lie down and give up and surrender to sleep, because it is just so hard to be awake right now.
I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling, so I’ll just rattle off events. I have been cycling through intense rage, sadness, and emptiness, and something darker that I can’t name. I wander aimlessly as if I am running from something, and maybe I am? I have been drained of energy. This battle to stay functional or alive, anything more than just breathing has been terrible. One night I was happy for half an hour, and then the rage came, and it was a rage that hurt deeply, everything annoyed me and I just didn’t want to exist because I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. It lasted for three hours. It might have been the most painful hours of this year if I don’t count what happened next. I went to the park around 4am, and just sat on the swing and listened to music. My anger was receding, but then came the fear. I was imagining demons, and then the power went out all around me. In fear I ran to Henry’s (he lives near the park). I was cold and panicking and saw he was online but I just missed him because I got no response. I was too tired to walk home, too cold to move. I messaged all of his roommates, even called a few. I cried and I prayed and I shivered until 6am when I decided no one was coming, walked to a nearby coffee shop, and tried not to scream as my feet unfroze. Then I harmed myself out of guilt and shame for being such a nuisance, as punishment for not acting like a normal person would. Then I went home and slept for two days, only getting up to let my dog out at intervals and to have water. And the worst part? This has been my every day, worse and worse each day, almost all of November. The rage, the tears, the wanting to die, the emptiness, the lifelessness, inability to concentrate, staring at a page, counting in my head, taking half an hour to convince myself to get up after I wake, sometimes the most productive part of my day being my shower, the begging for someone to take me out of this painful place. Just yesterday I caught myself debating whether to pee in my garbage can because I didn’t want to walk to the bathroom. I just didn’t have the energy.
I can’t be around people. I just can’t function, can’t remember social customs, can’t think of anything to say. People regard me with concern and disgust and annoyance, and though it hurts it’s easier to isolate myself. At least that way no one can blame me for hurting anyone but myself. I hear these voices tell me so many negative things, voices of friends, voices I see on the internet. Shall I share some?
“It baffles me how stubborn people are to not work to make themselves feel better”
Me: DO YOU KNOW JUST HOW FUCKING HARD I AM TRYING NOT TO FUCKING DIE? Do you know how hard it is to convince myself to get out of my bed when I hand in homework late because I can’t do it on time because I never know when I’m going to have a “good day” and I’m scared I’m never going to be able to hold down a job, especially seeing I can’t handle university, can’t handle waking up to see how bleak my future is, knowing how many medication dosage changes I have gone through, the therapy, the time, and what will change tomorrow? What will change ever?
“Just because you might not get better doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole”
Me: Gee, thanks for that. You know, I might not get better. And I isolate myself to protect the world. Why don’t you try not being an asshole, what’s your excuse?
“Mentally ill people are inherently dangerous and abusive”
Me: No true, we are more often the victims. Thanks for the stigmatizing generalization, though.
“Notice how you make the lives around you worse and change. It’s that easy.”
Me: Is it? IS IT? Why don’t we switch lives and you try being me? Having this? Cause I only see one option that can solve everyone’s problems right now, and trying not to go there.
“If you can’t stop being toxic you need to distance yourself. Take responsibility for your actions.”
Me: And I have. Oh, I have. So now it’s just me suffering. Am I toxic? Who knows? I know I’m in pain. If sharing my struggles is toxic, asking for help is toxic, then fine. I’ll stop asking. I’ll just go then.
“Maybe stop playing the victim.”
Me: PLAYING the victim? You think this is an ACT? Fuck off. Seriously, what else is there to say to this one? Fuck off.
“Just cut these people out of your life.”
Me: So many people have listened to this piece of advice in regards to me. Feeling the love.
“You shouldn’t force other people to live in your hell.”
Me: They can walk away if they want. I can’t. If you can’t handle it, tell me. There is no me “forcing” anyone to do anything.
“Maybe take into account that your mental illness makes other people feel like shit, and they have their own health to deal with.”
Me: Ouch? Okay? Like, what do I say to this? Alright, I’ll stop asking for help. I get it already. I’m a burden. I’m nuisance. I’m everything everyone is telling me, including the illness.
All of these have led me to be VERY suicidal.
I do have people who care, long distance, but they are so far and it’s so hard now to be in an environment where you are so unloved and so, so alone. I’m just trying to make it until I can go home for winter break. I’m not in danger of dying by my own hand, I have people I love to live for, but if they weren’t here, I’d already be gone.