So much has changed in my life in the past four-five years. So many people lost. People gained. People who have floated in and out of my life. People who meant nothing and suddenly became my world, and people who were my world and now mean nothing.
I’m listening to music and trying to figure out why my boyfriend and Henry and one of my old teachers were the only people in my life (other than my parents, sister and boyfriend’s family) that I have ever really cared for and trusted – and the conclusion I came to is that the three of them showed me with their actions that they really cared about me. I actually received affection from all of them, not just empty promises and words that became meaningless with time. Maybe that’s BPD that makes me desire affection and nurturing from the important people in my life, or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it is something that I have always sought, either consciously or without being aware.
Right now I’m listening to the piece I wrote for my boyfriend the night before I went with his parents to see him for the first time since he had left for basic training in the military. I can feel all of my sadness and confusion and hope and love in the piece every time I listen to it – I poured my heart out in that one composition.
Sometimes I think that I love my boyfriend too much – I can’t stand to be away from him for very long, it pains me when I can’t contact him, and if I’m out with friends I’m thinking about him the whole time, imaging his presence there, what he would do and say, and wondering what he is doing at that time. I just feel whole when I’m with him, and empty when I’m not.
Listening to any musical piece I wrote makes me feel nostalgic and somber and I can feel the emotion that went into it and remember how it felt. Memories of that time come rushing back to me. Even without the music playing, I always tend to get lost in thought at night.
There was an old friend of mine from middle school who I had missed a lot, and I was trying to restore our relationship to what it was. But now I can see that it won’t happen – we’ve changed so much with time and distance, and while we can be friends, she will never be the close friend that I want or need. It makes me sad knowing that something old in our relationship has died. As well, I miss what I used to have with my toxic friend, how it used to be, but I knew that it was time to move on.
Tonight I am clouded with sadness, but a kind of thoughtful sadness, without crying, but I feel heavy in my heart. I feel a wistfulness, a longing for what was and what could have been. I feel like these revelations, and my resolve to move on from past relationships and foster new ones mark the end of something old, and the beginning of something new. Maybe I will be able to look back on past relationships I had and be able to smile, remembering the good times, not the pain, still fresh. One day.