What We Had

I was fifteen
Caught in a dream
Starring green eyes

Love held the keys
To my memories
Born in a rose-coloured mind

I knew when the first words shook my soul
I’d be begging God to let me call you home
Now I travel your laughter on my own
And I

See you every time
I walk past that old building
Holding every moment of our scars and smiles
Looking in a window
I catch a glimpse of you
But I know it’s just our shadows in the past
Playing scenes to prove to me what we had

It’s been seven years
But you’re still here
In my mind

Just yesterday
I saw you slip away
And I felt you fade with time

I don’t know why you’re still living inside
My heart is crazy keeping you alive
Spending hours asking which were truth and lies
And I

See you every time
I walk past that old building
Holding every moment of our scars and smiles
Looking in a window
I catch a glimpse of you
But I know it’s just our shadows in the past
Playing scenes to prove to me what we had

It’s strange to hear your name
In casual conversation
Cause there was nothing casual about how
I
Would lock up words in pieces
Scattered in their places broken
Pages ripped apart so no one would ever know

The story never told

The one I can’t let go

See you every time
I walk past that old building
Holding every moment of our scars and smiles
Looking in a window
I catch a glimpse of you
But I know it’s just our shadows in the past
Playing scenes to prove to me what we had

Oh

And I never knew
How you felt about me
Cause people lie and time rushes by, and you never knew, no you never knew that
Staring at your picture
My heart cries for what will never be
And it aches for meaning in those simple smiles

Maybe it’s wishful thinking that
I was someone special and
Maybe I should stop, maybe I should stop, maybe I should stop
Playing scenes to prove to me what we had

 

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Blue Moon

I don’t know where he is right now
I can’t help but have him on my mind though I wish I wouldn’t
I don’t what he’s thinking right now
I would call him up and ask but I guess I couldn’t

I don’t know what it is he wants
I can’t help but feel like what he wants is not me here
I don’t know what I can do to help
Him or myself, it’s not clear

And yeah
I would love to be enough
And yeah
I don’t know if I’m just tough to love

He says he’s sorry but only when I ask him what’s up
He says he cares for me but only when I ask him too much
He says we’re good, he says we’re fine, so why do I feel the need to ask all the time
He says we’re happy, he’ll call me again soon
But that happens once in a blue moon

I don’t know if I’m just overthinking
I can’t help but wonder when I’m always the one to call
I don’t know if I’m just dreaming
Do his words mean something, or nothing at all

I don’t know what goes on in his mind
I can’t help but wonder why he seems so distant sometimes
I don’t know where he goes
When he say’s he’s found peace, when he leaves me alone

And yeah
I would love to be enough
And yeah
I don’t know if I’m just tough to love

He says he’s sorry but only when I ask him what’s up
He says he cares for me but only when I ask him too much
He says we’re good, he says we’re fine, so why do I feel the need to ask all the time
He says we’re happy, he’ll call me again soon
But that happens once in a blue moon

He was my lifeline
He was my lifeline
But I didn’t know
No I didn’t know
I had enough this time
But he’s my lifeline
And I didn’t know
No I didn’t know

And yeah
I wonder am I enough, for anyone
And yeah
I don’t know if I’m just tough to love
for anyone

He says he’s sorry but only when I ask him what’s up
He says he cares for me but only when I ask him too much
He says we’re good, he says we’re fine, so why do I feel the need to ask all the time
He says we’re happy, he’ll call me again soon
But that happens once in a blue moon

He says he’s sorry but only when I ask him what’s up
He says he cares for me but only when I ask him too much
He says we’re good, he says we’re fine, so why do I feel the need to ask all the time
He says we’re happy, he’ll call me again soon
But that happens once in a blue moon

Same Old Story

When you grow into the man you’re supposed to be
When you find everything you ever thought you’d need
When yesterday becomes many years ago
Will you wonder where that lonely girl did go

So pass me that drink and tell me again the truths that will become lies in the end
Cause time makes liars out of us all
And remember when you told me that you wouldn’t become a sad story like all the rest
And these are the words that keep me hanging on

It’s the same old story with the sad ending that I never wanted but somehow knew was coming
I miss you all the same, knowledge doesn’t ease the pain
And is that lost on you
Is all that lost on you

When tomorrow becomes today becomes right now
When the movie ends and we pretend I’ll be coming around
When you leave this place and forget the trace you left behind
Will that lonely girl ever cross your mind

So pass me that drink and tell me again the truths that will become lies in the end
Cause time can magnify or erase our faults
And remember when you told me that you wouldn’t become a sad story like all the rest
And these are the words that keep me hanging on

It’s the same old story with the sad ending that I never wanted but somehow knew was coming
I miss you all the same, knowledge doesn’t ease the pain
And is that lost on you
Is all that lost on you

When you settle down and find the one you love
When you raise your kids and tell them all you know with love
When today becomes a figment of the past
Tell me will the memory of this lonely girl last

So pass me that drink and tell me again the truths that will wet my eyes in the end
Cause time can take what’s whole and make it crack
And remember when you told me that you wouldn’t become a sad story like all the rest
Wishing the story ends with you come back

It’s the same old story with the sad ending that I never wanted but somehow knew was coming
I miss you all the same, knowledge doesn’t ease the pain
And is that lost on you
Is all that lost on you

You Don’t Deserve to Know

You don’t deserve my name
You don’t deserve my story
You don’t deserve my history

You don’t deserve my light

You don’t deserve my kindness
You don’t deserve my trust
You don’t deserve my loyalty

You don’t have the right

to say.

That I am something.
That I am nothing.
That I am anything.
Because you don’t know.

You don’t know.
You don’t want to know.
You just want to create.

But I am not a human easel for you to take the brush of your mouth and paint a horrid picture upon in shades of red and greys and dark dark blues

I am not your creation. I am not yours to create. To name me is to lie, for my name is not yours to give. My story is not yours to write.

You cannot write me, I am not a blank page. I am a book. Now, because of you and those like you, a diary, with a lock, and you do NOT have the key.

You can write on my cover, say what you will, but NEVER AGAIN will I let you inside.

And still, you don’t
(want to)? Understand.

Because you don’t know.

You don’t deserve to know.

So…

Found out that the people I thought were…well. People who have given themselves the title of my friend, and are nice to my face, actually talk about me behind my back.

I’ve always suspected I’ve been talked about, but to have it confirmed really stung. Some of my “friends” that I have opened up to about my mental illness were telling my other friends (only one of who actually told me this even occurred) that I’m using my mental illness  as excuse to get out of things, and I’m playing it up for attention.

This is what I was scared of. That if I opened up about my mental illness, people would assume that I’m manipulating them into feeling sorry for me, or that I’m faking it. Or that I’m weak. And here my friends are, the same “friends” who took me to the hospital when I attempted suicide, telling other people about the illness I confided in them about, telling other people not only that I have it, but that I’m acting.

I haven’t been writing much lately. It’s because this, for me, has been an outlet for when I’m having a hard time. I’ve actually been great lately. I got a higher dosage of my meds, a and it’s really been helping me function academically and socially.

And then this.

I don’t know what else has been said, or who else has been saying things. What I know is that people I opened up to are now sharing my personal information with others and mocking it, and adding their own personal spin on my pain.

I feel like I can’t open up to people here anymore. I’m having a bad night. One of my two friends up here I actually feel I can talk to, had to cancel on our plans tonight because she is vomiting. Totally understandable. Just leaves me…drinking alone with these thoughts.

Henry. Yes, I messaged him. Vented to him. Told him I hoped he was having a good night and assured him that he didn’t have to respond until he had time (like, another day). I don’t want to ruin his night, but I didn’t know who else to talk to. My boyfriend is trying to relax and I don’t want to stress him out on his one day off. My one girl friend is likely spending tonight with her boyfriend, and again, I don’t want to interrupt, and I don’t want every communication we have to be about me suffering. I loath being that person, and I’ve been happy that I haven’t been that person lately. Don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with being in pain and needing someone to talk to, but I understand it can be exhausting for others and I am trying to get past my personal feelings of guilt.

I feel violated. I feel like I shared an intimate part of myself with people who didn’t deserve to see it. I feel like a girl who sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, and he shared it with his friends and they laughed and criticized the photo.

My mind is going to dark places tonight. I’m trying to just be angry, not suicidal. Anger is better. For now.

 

Picture Perfect

He was picture perfect
The kind she thought was worth it
He was everything she ever wanted that’s what she told me

Then I saw a difference
In the way she was when she was with him
But he was everything she ever wanted that’s what she told me

So I let it go
I let it go
And I watched her go
I watched her go

Picture perfect, Mr. Right
If he’s so perfect why does he make you cry all the time
Picture perfect, Mr. Right
Oh why can’t he make up his mind, he either doesn’t love you at all or he loves you with all his life
Your love is picture perfect, at least on the outside

He was kind of angry
Kind of cold sometimes
But his good side was stronger that’s what she told me

He was kind of jealous
Would check up on her all the time
Tell her where to go what to do, but that was fine, that’s what she told me

So I let it go
I let it go
And I watched her go
I watched her go

Picture perfect, Mr. Right
If he’s so perfect why does he make you cry all the time
Picture perfect, Mr. Right
Oh why can’t he make up his mind, he either doesn’t love you at all or he loves you with all his life
Your love is picture perfect, at least on the outside

The bravest thing, you ever did
Was tell him what was wrong with it
But when he called you up again
He pulled you closer, just to end it

In the end, you were in denial
Told me he only made you smile
Told me he never made you cry
Told me it was all a lie

Cause he was

Picture perfect, Mr. Right
If he’s so perfect, what are you trying to hide
Picture perfect, Mr. Right
Oh why can’t you make up your mind, you either hate how he makes you feel or love him with all your life
Your love was picture perfect, at least on the outside

 

Fatal

He’s got that look on his face and he doesn’t have a clue
What he does to me, the beating my heart’s going through
He’s got those eyes that redefine the meaning of the colour blue
And when he touches me feel like my soul has left the room
He’s got that golden hair that all the girls just wanna feel
And when he talks to me it’s like the world has gone surreal
He’s got a kind heart, the kind that I just wanna steal
And I know he’s never gonna feel what I can’t help but feel

I’m sitting here on the couch next to him
And when he’s this close I just want to move in
Can’t forget the places that we’ve never been
But my mind’s creative and my heart is smitten
When he holds me think I might explode or die
Can a crush be fatal to your life

He’s got that tender touch that warms up any broken heart
Keep going back thinking it fixes broken parts
If it were that simple think I’d always be okay
And yet when I leave comes another rainy day
Obsession started when I found that he could help
But now the medicine’s become a drug from hell
Cause now I’m still depressed but now depressed in love
I can never have him but I’ll settle for his touch

I’m sitting here on the couch next to him
And when he’s this close I just want to move in
Can’t forget the places that we’ve never been
But my mind’s creative and my heart is smitten
When he holds me think I might explode or die
Can a crush be fatal to you life

What do I say to him
What do I say to him
Free

What can I say to him
What can I say to him
Free me

I’m sitting here on the couch next to him
And when he’s this close I just want to move in
Can’t forget the places that we’ve never been
But my mind’s creative and my heart is smitten
When he holds me think I might explode or die
Can a crush be fatal to your life

I’m sitting here on the couch next to him
And when he’s this close I just want to move in
Can’t forget the places that we’ve never been
But my mind’s creative and my heart is smitten
When he holds me think I might explode or die
Can a crush be fatal to your life