Closing this Chapter

Well.

She’s gone.

And I’m happy.

My friend? The toxic one? The one I have been missing and recently reached out to? She responded…after I called her a couple times in a row, admittedly wanting to see if she had blocked me or not. It was something I thought she might do, just to be able to have the last word. Which probably should have been my first hint that reconnecting was not what I needed.

She texted me back, asked if everything was okay, saying she was out on a date with a new boyfriend she’s been with for seven months. Pretty much how long her and I have been apart.

I apologized for interrupting her date, and said I just thought I would call and see if she even got my message – rationalizing in my head that I didn’t want to be waiting around forever for a response to a message she never saw. I told her if she wanted to reconnect, I would be in town this week (it’s my university’s reading week).

She said maybe we could connect sometime, though she had moved out of the city. My heart leapt. I was over the moon the rest of the night.

But the next day, she sent me a long text about why she ended things in the first place. And this is when I got a good dose of reality, and I hope, clarity.

I was remembering an idealized version of her. That’s who I was missing. And she hasn’t been that person in a long time. And that’s what I was forgetting.

Reading her text, I felt all the old feelings of anger beginning to ignite, and I realized I didn’t want her back – not if I had to compromise on my values and apologize for all these things she listed that I should not be apologizing for. She said a lot of things that infuriated me, but I realized that this was what I needed to see.

Instead of starting a fight, I just decided to tell her I was glad she was in a happy place and I gently explained that I didn’t mean to hurt her without getting into our problems. I didn’t rescind my offer to reconnect, but just left it at that. I never heard back from her.

Of course I’ll be sad for a bit. Mourning the people we were and what could have been. But so far, I’m okay. And I think this was the best possible scenario. I got the closure I needed. I now know that I made the effort, I tried to reconnect, and now I am not forever wondering “what could have been.” I know now that she was a time and a place, but those people we were don’t exist anymore. It was good while it was lasted, but it’s gone now. Chapter closed, finally. And now I feel I can move on.

 

 

 

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Promises Like Butterflies

Hey

Remember when I was your friend
I thought it wouldn’t end
But I guess I know less now
Than I ever found out

Hey

I’ve been sitting here in your cold
Tired of all the old, games
I guess I know better now
Now

You always told me that there was something
Bout the way
I made you feel but that’s before you started turning away
I can’t blame you
Cause I made you
Yeah I made you
Oh I made you

And I said nothing when my problems just
Festered inside
I couldn’t heal couldn’t feel what was going on in my mind
I can’t blame you
For walking away you
Tried and tried and tried
When all the promises that I made flew away like butterflies

Hey

Remember when things were good
Before the storm came through
And I guess you know less now
Everything you never found out

Hey

I’ve been hiding then running away
Scared of the words I wanted to say
And now I’ve run too far too fast
To ever go back

You always told me that there was something
Bout the night
In my room, that was so quiet made you find peace of mind
I can’t blame you
For this empty room
Cause I made you
Take off to save you

And I said nothing when my problems just
Festered inside
I was so angry so upset I was distant all the time
I can’t blame you
For walking away you
Tried and tried and tried
When all the promises that I made flew away like butterflies

Hey

Do you remember my face
Before the chaotic days
And I guess you know by now
I regret I’ve only got this picture left now

You always told me that there was something
Bout the way
I made you feel but that’s before you started turning away
I can’t blame you
Cause I made you
Yeah I made you
Oh I made you

You always told me that there was something
Bout the night
In my room, that was so quiet made you find peace of mind
I can’t blame you
For this empty room
Cause I made you
Take off to save you

And I said nothing when my problems just
Festered inside
I couldn’t heal couldn’t feel what was going on in my mind
I can’t blame you
For walking away you
Tried and tried and tried

And I said nothing when my problems just
Festered inside
I was so angry so upset I was distant all the time
I can’t blame you
For walking away you
Tried and tried and tried
When all the promises that I made flew away like butterflies

 

 

Who Am I?

 

***TRIGGER WARNING*** REALLY DARK AND DEPRESSING THOUGHTS – WRITTEN WHEN DESPAIRING OVER SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER – DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT BRING YOU DOWN – MY INTENTION IS TO BE HONEST ABOUT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AT ALL POINTS IN TIME AS THEY CHANGE, BUT I DO NOT WISH TO BRING OTHERS INTO THE VORTEX OF DESPAIR, HENCE TODAY’S WARNING

Who am I? I have no idea.

Is this me, this sad and melancholy person who lives in the past and watches as time moves on and people with it and opportunities pass me by?

Am I the girl who appears when my medication works, is she the false me or the real me? Does the medication peel away the intense emotions to reveal who I really am, or does it work as a mask, covering up all the ugly truths?

Am I the angry monster who hates everyone?

Am I that euphoric, happy person who wants to shower the world with the love I experience?

Am I mistrustful and angry and private? Am I despairing and wistful and quiet? Am I peaceful and friendly and a dreamer?

All of these are sometimes me. But who am I really? In each state, I always feel like, “now! this is the real me! This is how I really feel!” But they all say that. I feel like the “real” me in every state, and that all the other states were false, until I switch again.

So who is the real me? Is there a real me? Or am I simply a ghost, an empty shell, a collection of emotions and memories and nothing more? Am I just this disorder?

I’ve been searching for answers, purpose, meaning, trying to find myself, but is there even anyone to find?

 

Last Goodbye?

I caved.

I messaged her. I had to. I needed to. I felt drawn to it, like I was circling and circling this action for so long, and when I finally made the decision, it felt right to do it, like a chore I was putting off. And it felt good.

Sure, I sent the message two full days ago. Sure, she hasn’t responded yet, and I may never hear from her ever again. But I felt like something inside me wouldn’t rest until I least tried. Otherwise I would never know, and would always wonder, if I had only reached out, could I have fixed things. And now all I can do is wait.

I didn’t know it would hurt this much, physically, listening to old songs that remind me of her, finding old letters from her in my bedroom drawer, seeing old pictures of us together from five years back, when we were at the height of our intimacy, back when everything was wonderful, and we were so close.

And yes, towards the end, our relationship turned very toxic. But things are different now. I was scared to stand up for myself. I was scared to be assertive. And I was scared to talk to her about the hard things, and I put up walls instead of talking through our problems. It is partly my fault, and I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but I can’t. Now I can only hope.

And wait.

And find the courage and the strength to move forward, if she chooses to let this silence be our last goodbye.

And now I’m just wondering…is it?

 

Destined to Fall

This is a song I wrote when I was struggling with my belief in God. Sometimes I still struggle. Though this song is not a reflection of how I feel now, it was still true at one point in time, so I thought I would share it.

I used to believe
in love
I used to believe in you

I thought that having faith
meant that you were okay
When praying for love from you

are we destined to fall
are we destined to fall
Breaking when we find out the truth

are we destined to fall
are we destined to fall
When we wait for peace to come from you

I don’t know
If I still do

I used to pray
to you at night
That you heal everything wrong

I used to ask
That you help
My friends when they felt they couldn’t go on

but oh

are we destined to fall
are we destined to fall
Breaking when we find out the truth

are we destined to fall
are we destined to fall
When we wait for peace to come from you

I don’t know
If I still do

Tell me what she died for
Tell me what she suffered for
Tell me what she died for
If you’re there please help everyone

Cause I’m scared and I’m asking myself now

are we destined to fall
are we destined to fall
Breaking when we find out the truth

are we destined to fall
are we destined to fall
When we wait for peace to come from you

I don’t know
If I still do

 

 

Only Human

Sunny days and the sight of your face
No I don’t need them anymore
Looking back it wasn’t meant to last
And I’m not mad
Anymore
What we had was something good
At least I imagined it to be
Your words framed in the walls of my head
But it wasn’t what I need

Pacing, waiting, hoping, praying
Crying, seething, laughing, chasing
Can’t believe that I’m painting over these memories

But you
are only human and
I was giving you the attention of the man in the sky
I should’ve known, you couldn’t be
the one to heal me, the one to set me free
That has to be me

Sunny steps, the trails we take
to the places that bring us joy
I was looking in the wrong place
Digging up the past, but it made a void
And loving you was so confusing
You never gave the same love back
I spent my time trying to make you happy
But I don’t think you ever knew that

Loving, hating, giving, taking
All this back and forth cause lately
I wonder if I see what I want to see

But you
are only human and
I was giving you the attention of the man in the sky
I should’ve known, you couldn’t be
the one to heal me, the one to set me free
That has to be me

I have conversations with you in my head
late at night, in my bed
But I’ve constructed a person through ideas and where we’ve been
Not where we are

I woke up, saw me through your eyes
You were good to me, and now I realize

I wanted more, I wanted you to care for me like I did you
But you can’t force someone to love you
And I put my faith, my time, my worth in you and what you thought
But what I need, is clarity, and that starts with moving on

Cause you
are only human and
I was giving you the attention of the man in the sky
Though I was blinded by love, I should’ve known you couldn’t be the one
the one to heal me, the one to set me free
That has to be me

You
are only human and
I was giving you the attention of the man in the sky

 

Okay

I just can’t pretend anymore
No
I just can’t keep living in this dream storm

Holding on to what I used to be
Holding on to what I used to be
with you

I don’t know what to do

So if you can hear me, then please let me know
Do you still feel like I might be your home
If you can hear this, then just tell me why
Tell me you are okay
Tell me you’re okay

I just can’t defend anymore
No
Cause you did what you did, and I did what I did, and they still feel sore

Holding on to what we used to have
I know that you’re not her, But baby I’m sad
she’s gone

I don’t know what to say

So if you can hear me, then please let me know
I know we hurt each other but once you were my home
If you can hear this, then just tell me why
Tell me you are okay
Tell me you’re okay

Cause I just want the best for you
And I hope that you know that
And I hope that it shows that

Cause even though we might be through
I still want you to know that
I cherish every moment we had

So if you can hear me, then please me know
Do you think you might ever come home
If you can hear this, then just tell me why

If you can hear me, then please let me know
Do you miss it all all, do you feel as alone
If you can hear this, I never got the chance to say this

Through the storm

Goodbye
My friend
Tell me you are okay

I wanna know that you’re okay

I know you’re not her but I miss you babe

Tell me you are okay