Endings and Beginnings

So much has changed in my life in the past four-five years. So many people lost. People gained. People who have floated in and out of my life. People who meant nothing and suddenly became my world, and people who were my world and now mean nothing.

I’m listening to music and trying to figure out why my boyfriend and Henry and one of my old teachers were the only people in my life (other than my parents, sister and boyfriend’s family) that I have ever really cared for and trusted – and the conclusion I came to is that the three of them showed me with their actions that they really cared about me. I actually received affection from all of them, not just empty promises and words that became meaningless with time. Maybe that’s BPD that makes me desire affection and nurturing from the important people in my life, or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it is something that I have always sought, either consciously or without being aware.

Right now I’m listening to the piece I wrote for my boyfriend the night before I went with his parents to see him for the first time since he had left for basic training in the military. I can feel all of my sadness and confusion and hope and love in the piece every time I listen to it – I poured my heart out in that one composition.

Sometimes I think that I love my boyfriend too much – I can’t stand to be away from him for very long, it pains me when I can’t contact him, and if I’m out with friends I’m thinking about him the whole time, imaging his presence there, what he would do and say, and wondering what he is doing at that time. I just feel whole when I’m with him, and empty when I’m not.

Listening to any musical piece I wrote makes me feel nostalgic and somber and I can feel the emotion that went into it and remember how it felt. Memories of that time come rushing back to me. Even without the music playing, I always tend to get lost in thought at night.

There was an old friend of mine from middle school who I had missed a lot, and I was trying to restore our relationship to what it was. But now I can see that it won’t happen – we’ve changed so much with time and distance, and while we can be friends, she will never be the close friend that I want or need. It makes me sad knowing that something old in our relationship has died. As well, I miss what I used to have with my toxic friend, how it used to be, but I knew that it was time to move on.

Tonight I am clouded with sadness, but a kind of thoughtful sadness, without crying, but I feel heavy in my heart. I feel a wistfulness, a longing for what was and what could have been. I feel like these revelations, and my resolve to move on from past relationships and foster new ones mark the end of something old, and the beginning of something new. Maybe I will be able to look back on past relationships I had and be able to smile, remembering the good times, not the pain, still fresh. One day.

I Lost a Friend

My heart is pounding as if I have been running. My chest feels tight and I am lying on my back typing on my laptop, hands shaking, and I can see my chest quickly rising and falling.

It happened. I lost a friend.

A toxic one, a friend I wanted to lose anyways, one who didn’t actually care about me and mistreated me, but a friend nonetheless.

I haven’t talked much about her. I don’t think I’ve actually ever written about her. I won’t get into our relationship now. Maybe never. It is in the past now, after all. Finally done. And I feel….

I don’t know.

Relieved? Scared? Anxious? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Excited? Conflicted? Guilty? Happy? All of the above?

I feel like I have a ton of emotions inside me, like little motor boats riding around, coming at me in different waves in a burst of speed. I don’t know which feeling is the dominant one. Maybe all.

I’m trying to hold onto the positives, but they keep mingling with the negatives, and my stomach is doing flip flops and my heart is racing and my head spinning.

I guess a part of me is panicked at the realization that I just lost a friend I had for so long. All those years spent together, happy. And yet. We weren’t, not really. Not for the last three. And it was destroying me. It had to end.

But I feel that sick feeling of need and desperation and doubt and panic I get when my abandonment fears are triggered. I am trying to ignore it and not let it get the best of me – I don’t want to do something that I will later regret. I know that this is what I wanted, what I want. I know that I just miss what we had, not what we became, what I couldn’t change. I know that I just feel unbalanced because it feels like a breakup, and no matter how much I wanted things to end, the rejection hurts. Bad. Because I did care about her. A lot.

But it’s over now, and I need to remind myself that she and I are not the people we once were, and I need to let go and move on. I can rationalize why this is ending is a good thing all I want, but it doesn’t stop the overwhelming wave of emotions that are suffocating me right now. Just like you can tell yourself it doesn’t make sense to cry at a death in a movie, it didn’t really happen, you can rationalize and you know you don’t really have anything to feel sad about, but you still cry your eyes out.

I’m telling myself that I am happy. I am, I just don’t feel happy yet – if that makes any sense? I know that I will eventually feel relief, but first I have to resolve these other emotions I am feeling. Come to terms with my guilt and shame and fear. And then I can relax and breathe. Embrace the knowledge that this toxic relationship has come to an end. The knowledge that I am finally free.

 

Mental Pain in the Night

Music has quite a different feel in the middle of the night when you are caught up in mental pain which feels like anger, frustration, emptiness, and desperation to escape your skin and body and shut down because your heart is racing and you can’t fall asleep and your body is heating up, and you are only growing angrier because of it and your thoughts are racing and yes this is a run-on sentence sorry stream of consciousness. Had to write to do something. Didn’t know what else to do. This is pain. This is hell.

Every time I think I am better and then something like this happens and I think to myself I would rather die than live to see tomorrow, just to escape this pain. I don’t want to live like this. I hate this feeling and I never want to experience it. It’s not tolerable and I can’t escape it. It came out of the blue. Everything feels sped up. My heart is racing. My thoughts are racing. Not quite suicidal, just wanting to do anything to escape. Trying so hard to calm down and get out of this state of mind. I am irritable and angry. Suddenly everything is an aggravation.

New paragraph my thoughts are shifting can barely keep track of what I am writing. Sorry about that. Can’t focus anymore. Want to keep writing but don’t know what to say. I want to shut my body down. I want to slam myself against the wall. I want to scream and claw at my skin. Anything to get rid of this mental pain. This mental HELL.

Like it was in the Beginning

Can you see starlight in our reflections
Like it was, in the beginning
Do you ever wish upon a memory
To catch that spark, from the beginning

Walking down memory lane
Following a faded dream
I remember little things like
Checkers and bad tv

Counting all the things we shared
Naming things that set us apart
Falling in love with everything
Anticipating a brand new start

Lighting fast the days were years
you were there but never here
I was calling your name so loudly in my sleep

Watching time pass by myself
Cursing things we couldn’t help
When you came to me I could feel the change

Can you see starlight in our reflections
Like it was, in the beginning
Do you ever wish upon a memory
To catch that spark, from the beginning

Can you see starlight in our reflections
Like it was, in the beginning
Is it just me or are we different
Something is lost, with the beginning

Feeling out how we fit now
Figuring the distance out
Time and space have both misplaced
The fluttering in my heart

Now it’s nervous butterflies
I lie in bed wondering why
I’m scared of what you have to say
Hoping that this isn’t the day

We find we aren’t working out
And have to fix it now
Or else say goodbye

Become strangers again
Lose my best friend
Timidly, I ask you again

Can you see starlight in our reflections
Like it was, in the beginning
Do you ever wish upon a memory
To catch that spark, from the beginning

Can you see starlight in our reflections
Like it was, in the beginning
Is it just me or are we different
Something is lost, with the beginning

I still see starlight in my reflection
Like I had, in the beginning
I often wish upon a memory
That you still feel the spark

 

 

 

 

Bittersweet Tastes

I got scars talking to you last night
And now I’m sitting here trying not to start a fight
And I know we got our differences but I
Think these bittersweet tastes are messing with our minds

Yeah it’s been a long time, longer than I can say
Since I found you laughing smiling when we parted ways
We’re all claws and teeth, and bruises and cuts
And it seems every sentence comes with a “but”

Make no mistake I’m not asking you to change I just wanted to rearrange our hellos and goodbyes
We start with the happiness and end with the crazy mess please tell me this isn’t our best

I don’t want to reduce us to this

I got scars talking to you last night
Now I’m sitting here trying not to start a fight
And I know we got our differences but I
Think these bittersweet tastes are messing with our minds

We’re hot and cold and yes and no today
Caught in a blazing wildfire adding flames
I’m used to on and off now and I don’t know why
These bittersweet tastes are invading our lives

These bittersweet tastes are invading our lives

I remember back when it was roses and hugs
I was drinking in something different from our love
Now it’s chaos and blame, all explosions and shame
I guess the light couldn’t last, and now the dark’s coming fast

I don’t know where it came from or if what’s done is done or if it’s like a spell we can get rid of
They say you can only move on, so take my hand and let’s run full force into the sunset

like a fairytale end

I got scars talking to you last night
Now I’m sitting here trying not to start a fight
And I know we got our differences but I
Think these bittersweet tastes are messing with our minds

We’re hot and cold and yes and no today
Caught in a blazing wildfire adding flames
I’m used to on and off now and I don’t know why
These bittersweet tastes are invading our lives

These bittersweet tastes are invading our lives
And so we try again, but it’s not long when
Being civil’s cast aside and then we’re making amends
We go back and forth, seesaw between two states of mind
Honey I love you but I’m hurt now, this is gonna take some time

You know that you mean everything and I’m not giving up on us but honey there are things we must address
I’m saying that I love you so and to continue going on we need some emotional balance

Cause every day, I don’t want to be singing this

I got scars talking to you last night
Now I’m sitting here trying not to start a fight
And I know we got our differences but I
Think these bittersweet tastes are messing with our minds

We’re hot and cold and yes and no today
Caught in a blazing wildfire adding flames
I’m used to on and off now and I don’t know why
These bittersweet tastes are invading our lives

These bittersweet tastes are invading our lives

Prison

Words play on repeat in my
head
Loud enough to wake the
dead
It’s silent in this human
cage
Breaking down my will to
rage

I hear footsteps in the
dark
But it’s only hope beating from my
heart
I’m wishing you’d come back with the
key
The words you know will set me
free

Being with you is like being in heaven
But being on your bad side is a blow struck hard
When you’re mad at me I’m stuck in prison

The prison is my mind and the shackles are my heart

Guard please come and let me
out
I’m pleading, bleeding need you
now
I think I’m sick and going
insane
Stop this ignoring it prolongs the
pain

I don’t mean to bother
you
But don’t you think it’s overly
cruel
This is torture without
instruments
Please release me, I’m sorry I
swear it

Being with you is like being in heaven
But being on your bad side is a blow struck hard
When you’re mad at me I’m stuck in prison

The prison is my mind and the shackles are my heart

I know you don’t mean to hurt
me
But you’re not making this
easy
Please tell me you still love
me
Just set me free or
leave

Being with you is like being in heaven
But being on your bad side is a blow struck hard
When you’re mad at me I’m stuck in prison

The prison is my mind and the shackles are my heart

Being with you is like being in heaven
But being on your bad side is a blow struck hard
My love oh please don’t put me in prison

I can’t escape my mind and I can’t control my heart

Colours in the Sky

All my life
Just trying hard to make
the best of what you gave
Cause everything you did
was out of love

So I
am fighting hard to be
the perfect version of me
the all I have to give
to make you proud

mom and dad

But now,
It’s getting hard to be her
Will I take back this broken peace of mind
My heart’s in pieces
and I’m getting tired
of trying to paint that perfect picture

But wait,
I ache to move along
But I keep singing that sad, sad, song
Some day
I will find a way
out of the grey
I
will
find
a way
to be free

My life
It’s like colours in the sky
My moods are blue and red and pink and grey and
you should really see the sunset

I
will be alright
I will fight fire and rain and heal the pain and
Maybe I will get better
for the rest of my life

Bitter past
Memories and shadows
that follow me in places
I’ve visited before
They still feel sore

Unknown future
What hills will I climb
What new pain will I find
What new peace, if at all
Or will I fall

And now
I reach inside and find this
Can I win this battle for my happiness
I raise the white flag and then I take it down
Can someone tell me how this story ends

But wait,
though I ache to move along
I just keep singing that sad, sad, song
Some day
I will find a way
Out of the sea
I will find
A way
to be free
to escape
the grey

My life
It’s like colours in the sky
My moods are blue and red and pink and grey and
you should really see the sunset

I
will be alright
I will fight fire and rain and heal the pain and
Maybe I will get better
For the rest of my life